Importance of Listening

"A society in which adults are estranged from the world of children, and often from their own childhood, tends to hear children's speech only as a foreign language, or as a lie. Children have been treated as congenital fibbers, fakers and fantasisers." — Beatrix Campbell, British journalist (1947- )

Hal Runkel: Today's society is very demanding. Many of us find ourselves running on empty and hardened to the world of play that we once loved. When we allow our schedules and demands to take over our lives, we cut ourselves off from an important connection we have to our children. We can even start to resent them for the fun that they do have because we've forgotten how. When is that last time you really listened to your son or daughter? Children generally have a fresh and positive view of the world, but we often only hear them when they complain and then we take it personally. Try letting go of a little tension the next time you see your kids and just be with them. Listen to what they have to say without trying to teach or shape them. Just sit back and allow yourself to see the world through their eyes; you might be surprised at how much fun it is, even if only for a moment.
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The thing I like about Hal's perspective is that he promotes interaction and responsibility on both parent and child. Kids are not an inconvenience in a parents life. Most of the time when my child wants to show me something or tell me something ... they are inviting me into their world. I don't ever want those invitations to stop coming to me.

Let's commit to listen to our kids more in 2009 and foster responsible, respectful, and honoring people.

Living in the moment ... kid style

I read Hal Runkle's Scream Free Parenting Tip of the Day. More and more I see in my own life that balance is such a key to maintain spiritual, physical, emotional, health.

Here is Hal's Take today:

For a child, doing nothing is often much more valuable than doing something. They learn to entertain themselves, to find joy in simplicity, to problem solve, to be content. So, why is it that we spend our energy either pushing our children towards adulthood or holding them back from it?

These are two very dangerous extremes and the worst part is, many of us fluctuate between them! On one hand, we push our kids when we structure their every activity and send them for SAT tutoring before they even get into high school. Then we shake our heads when they seem to lack joy and have trouble maintaining relationships in adulthood. On the other hand, we hold them back when we overprotect them, intervene for them, and problem solve on their behalf. Then we complain when they are immature adults who don't seem to have initiative or drive. In both cases, we overmanage our kids because of our own anxiety.

One of the best ways to truly prepare your child for a successful adulthood is to neither overprotect nor rush their childhood. Relax and teach them to live in the moment. That is a skill that very few of their peers will possess and you'll be amazed at how they will flourish because of it.

Hal Runkel, LMFT, author of ScreamFree Parenting:
Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool.

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R E S P E C T

How many times have you been in a restaurant or store and saw a kid meltdown only to have the parent follow suit, jerking their arm here and there, screaming at the kid for disrespect, etc. If only, I had always acted correctly in every meltdown situation. When a kid disobeys their parent, it's easy for the parent to become emotionally wrapped up in the situation, taking personally and such. Guilty!

I read a daily email of ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Runkel. Today Hal addresses some of this in today's email:

This is one of the hardest things about parenting, in my mind. And it seems like I'm not alone. We get emails every day from exasperated parents who are fed up with their children's lack of respect. Here's the truth: You can't control whether or not your kids show you respect. What you can control is whether or not you show it to your kids and whether or not you act respect-worthy – even when they don't.

As with most parenting issues, this has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you. Be the grown up in every situation and then be confident enough to allow your child's immature attempts at disrespect to fall off of you like the tiny arrows of the Lilliputians in Gulliver's Travels. After all, their barbs cannot hurt you without your permission.

So, instead of huffing and puffing with intimidation when they act disrespectfully, smile to yourself and remember that you don't need their affirmation to know that you are a good parent. Set simple and clear cut consequences and follow up without taking it all personally. You'll be showing them what real respect looks like and you just might even earn some along the way.

Hal Runkel, LMFT, author of ScreamFree Parenting: Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool. He's a regular on NBC's Today Show. Click here to view segments.